dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
