You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
