It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
