I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
