How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
