Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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