I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
