Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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