Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
