I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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