Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i now understand why vodka
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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