I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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