I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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