If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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