remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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