Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
