can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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