How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
