so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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