it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
