You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
