Got a toothbrush?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
