ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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