oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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