tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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