so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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