Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
