Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
