The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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