A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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