god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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