Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
