shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
