apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
