did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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