im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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