WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
