I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
