she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
