How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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