why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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