Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
