I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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