So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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