So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
