There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think my moral compass just broke
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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