You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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