Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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