I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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