I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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