Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
