apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
