im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize