My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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