Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
