tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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