Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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