In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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