Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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